Ok, so you don’t have to be ready until 8pm, so if you get in the shower at 4.00pm this gives you 3.5 hours to get ready and 30 minutes travel time… Plenty of time in case of disasters. You can take your sweet time, have a few drinks, do a couple of live renditions of Amy Winehouse, maybe even do a smoky winged eyeliner look. You have this under control; you are gonna stroll up to the bar early, makeup on point, relaxed, hair did whilst everyone else is looking stressed and rushed. *smug face*
PANIC? ME? NO.
25 minutes later it dawns on you that you have been sucked into a Whatsapp conversation or some online click bait article; shit, you missed your shower time, but it’s OK, you planned a little extra time into your schedule – you still got this.
Who knew shaving your legs would take so long? I mean it has been a long winter an all, but seriously? Never mind, you will just have to skip that deep conditioning hair treatment mask you were planning on, scraggly slept in looking hair is in this season though right? Right?
GRAB A GIN, IT’S GONNA BE OK
Shower done it’s time to reward yourself with alcohol for only being mildly behind schedule; you were 25 mins behind, but clawed back 10 minutes from skipping the hair mask and really who even needs silky hair anyway? Let’s just hope no hot men brush past it and think someone let a scarecrow into the bar. Time to brush your hair and let it air dry for a bit… 30 mins later and someone needs to fetch the garden rake, ain’t no brush getting through that birds nest; maybe the hair mask was needed after all, sod it, you can just apply a few pumps of hair oil to add some moisture and shine. Time to put some slap on.
OK, MAYBE TIME TO PANIC A LITTLE
Maybe the 3rd gin wasn’t a good idea when you knew you had a smoky eye and winged liner to do, it’s OK though, if you just add a bit more of a flick on one side it will be equal and it will disguise the slightly dodgy blending you did with Gunmetal Grey… Hmmm, maybe a bit more on the other side… Just a little bit thicker on the inner corner… IT’S ALL GONE WRONG, you look like Amy Winehouse.
Calm down, have another gin, you can fix this…. Blend it, it will just have to look extra smoky/black eye-y tonight, it will be dark in the bar, it will make you look like a mysterious sultry vixen; or a wide eyed child let loose with her mums makeup. Cover it up with a sweeping centrally parted long fringe #ProblemSolved.
WHAT THE ACTUAL EFF?!?!
Your hair has dried flat to your head and with the greasiest looking ends you ever did see from the oil, maybe if you drown it in dry shampoo and backcomb the life out of it it will look half passable as ‘hair’. I know, lets add some curls to give it a bit of oomph and texture… The Orphan Annie look was not the goal, GET THE STRAIGHTENERS STAT. Oh, now the greasy lank kinky look is what you are left with, feck it add some more curls and hairspray to mask the disaster.
CAN’T EVEN RIGHT NOW
Now you hair and makeup are a complete disaster the only way to pull it all back is with that killer dress right? You know the one you just spent a small fortune on and makes your boobs and legs look AMAZING? So you’ve left it sat in the carrier bag in the hallway for a few days so it’s obviously gonna be needing a run over with the iron.. EFF EFF EFF, why was the iron on so high? Why does the hem of my dress now have a spotty triangle scorched into it? WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE HATE ME? Right, skinny black jeans and a ‘going out top’ it is, again. At least your heels are a showstopper though.
It’s OK, you’re ready and it’s probably only about 8.15, you’ve ordered your taxi so you still have a good 15 minutes before it arrives, and no one is ever on time right? Time for a another gin. Quick phone check… OH, it’s 9.00pm, you’re late and have 7 missed calls and a text, not to mention you have missed your taxi you booked, what kind of idiot leaves their phone on silent anyways?
I GIVE UP, PLEASE CAN I STAY IN?
Nerves frayed, confidence (and eyeliner) sagging is there even any point in leaving the house? You could just stay in in your pyjamas and polish off the rest of the gin? NO SUCK IT UP. You rock up to the bar an hour late, kinky scarecrow hair, the eyeliner of a drunken emo child and looking like you’re dressed for an afternoon of shopping, but as soon as the cocktail your friend ordered you hits the back of your throat you know it’s going to be a good night. Who even cares what you look like when your eyeliner is running from tears of laughter?