I’m finally back blogging, as you can see. It’s been around 3 months since I’ve put much effort in to my little space on the internet, and for plenty of reasons. Mainly, I’ve just been very unhappy. But, also because recently my MacBook decided to stop working then leaked everywhere – yeah I have no idea what it was leaking either.
But back to the gist of my post and away from my never ending annoyance at Apple.
I was unhappy with pretty much everything in my life; my job, my house, my blog, my general day to day life and how I’ve not hit any of those life ‘milestones’ that you’re told about growing up. I’m 32 this year and I was spending most of days thinking of what a failure my life was because of those milestones, like a 5 year old who’d not figured out how to crawl yet. How that at 32 the only life box I had ticked was to buy my own house, and even that was making me unhappy. Yes, I know none of us should conform to traditions or compare oursevles to others; but when you see 26 year olds in their own houses, with a partner and a baby on the way, you can’t help but draw comparisons. It’s not even as if I think that life is for me; I’m far too selfish for a start, but that doesn’t stop the comparisons creeping up on you, the doubts, the feelings of failure.
Where the biggest contrast was drawn though was career. Mine was shit and I dreaded going to work, whereas others see to have a well paid job that they love and excel in. I’d spend my weekends in bed just praying for Monday not to come knocking – and I don’t mean a few hours in bed, I mean my whole weekend, literally sleeping 16+ hours a day. Fuck getting up and taking blog pics, writing content or seeing friends; I just wanted Monday not to arrive and I would spend my time sleeping so I didn’t have to think of it’s arrival. If I couldn’t think about it then it wasn’t real, if I was living in my dreams for that length of time then it couldn’t possibly happen. People close to me knew I hated my job and that I had done for the last 24 months, but no one knew the extent of how much.
It all started around 2 years ago when our workload doubled, and our stress loads tripled. There’s only so long you can keep coming in to work at 8am and leaving at 8pm before it takes a toll, and it did, fairly badly for me in the form of black outs and losing a whole week to them. I carried on, thinking I’m in a steady and safe job, I have a mortgage and I can’t risk changing jobs. I had a professional job, in a professional sector, with an OK wage and an understanding boss, what’s there to bitch and cry about?
I decided to make a change. I applied for my dream job; Blogger Marketing within the Beauty Industry. I have no marketing experience at all, but thought my blog would be enough. It wasn’t. I got to the final 2 of the process then got turned down, and to be honest it knocked me for 6. I’ve rarely not gotten a job I’ve interviewed for. It made me feel like I shouldn’t bother trying to change my life, that this was my lot and I better start being happy with it. I guess that’s why I pushed myself so hard to make the doomed relationship that I found myself in work. Despite everyone telling me it wasn’t ever going to… And we all know how that turned out, him being married. I guess that was me pinning all my hopes on something, anything, hoping that this guy and a nice relationship would make me feel like my life was back on track, like I wasn’t just a giant puddle of failure. Like I would have one more box ticked, so how could I be shit at this adulting thing.
Inevitably the fall out from the relationship just made things so much more worse for me; I blamed myself. It was my fault for not seeing it, for pinning too much on it, for being a doormat, for ruining it, for everything. To top it all off work got worse as people up and left, basically leaving me as the only person who knew how to do my job. As stressful and soul destroying as being in this situation was, it did me some good. It made me realise that I am the only one who can change my fortunes. No man is gonna complete me, no lottery win is going to make everything better, and no amount of sleeping and wishing is going to stop another Monday from rolling around. I stopped moping and tried to make the best of a situation that I didn’t want to be in until I came up with a master plan.
I finally stopped thinking the worst, and the best started happening.
No, I am not one of those Postive Mental Attitude people, I am far from it. But, it kinda worked. I found my dream job, and I GOT IT. I’m now the Influencer Marketing Coordinator for a travel brand and I love it. Although when I was offered the job, my old friend doubt came looking for me; am I too old for a career change, can I leave the stability of my job, can I even do the job. Granted it’s not quite a £35k a year job with a company car (I don’t even drive anyways), and to many it likely still wouldn’t tick the ‘career’ box, but it’s something I love, it’s a hobby I am now getting paid for and it’s been my dream for the last 4 year. So why does my little story of woe matter? Well, because you’re life doesn’t have to be a tick box, you don’t have to sit wishing it away and you don’t have to be professional.
I’m scared shitless most days as I don’t have as much job security as I did, I’m shit scared that I don’t have any savings and I’m shit scared of waking up at 63 and still being alone. But so what? Life is a ride and we don’t get off unscathed – I just need to remember that more. I don’t have a partner, fuck it. I don’t have a pension, fuck it. I don’t just have 1 glass of wine of a weekend, fuck it and pass me the bottle. I don’t have everything Susan does, eff Susan. I’m a size 20 and I’ll never be ‘THAT’ blogger, fuck it.
*not even sorry for all the swearing.