Get your heads of the gutter, I don’t mean like that. Or maybe I do. It’s been a while since I even fleetingly thought about dating again, after the whole married man catfishing episode I needed a break. I felt like I was in an episode of EastEnders and that I needed to put down my pint, and run from the Vic as fast as my stumpy legs could take me. Despite the fact we hadn’t been together ‘4eva IDST’ it still turned me upside down when the whole sorry storyline came out; one minute I was plodding along as normal and the next someone had come in to my space and kicked over all my gin – not literally, cos that would have meant murders for him & me on the news, but you know what I mean.
It’s been just short of a year since the day I sent that Instagram message, but realistically it had been longer than that that the thoughts of his ways had been swirling like crows. I never even thought about downloading the dating apps again, I didn’t think to like the cute guys Instagram photo and I certainly didn’t think of going on a date. I thought of eating. Lots. And I piled on the pounds, which was another reason to avoid Tinder in the app store – I can’t let Tinder see me like this, fat, spotty and wearing ice-cream stained pyjamas. So I let myself recover, properly. It’s the first time I have ever really not had thoughts of needing someone in my life; of truly being content with myself and being alone. As much as I always thought I was this strong sassy girl, I was always searching for someone to be with me, to prop me up no matter how wanky they were.
After Mr Catfish had unravelled his tangled web of lies and deceit I realised, after a while, that it’s better to be a shit version of me rather than with fuckboys or emotional leeches that I think might prop me up slightly. No matter how badly I thought of myself I was still better than anyone else I could let into my life. Saying all this is quite contradictory to the post title, isn’t it? I know I know. But, this time I have added myself to Tinder for me, not to get something. I want to slowly start to chat to people again and build up my confidence and trust whilst I work on myself a little more. I realised that yes I might be content with being on my own, but I still need some form of interaction and also need to keep my conversation skills up to scratch – I can’t let myself become a hermit just because I am on a path to happiness.
So what aspects am I working on for myself? My weight for a start. After Mr Wanky Pants fucked me over I let myself get down and I comfort ate, then I put weight on and ate more as I was then down because of my weight. I thought I was embracing my weight, not giving a fuck, pushing that body positive vibe – but it was bullshit. I’ve become realistic with myself about my emotions and feelings, and this means I am now more understanding of what I need to do to change my situation, like stop stuffing my face. But, I also need to work on disappointment and how I let that sit with me emotionally; instead of letting it get me down I need to remember that it’s a blip and not a mountain. I also need to work on not being a doormat and believing 100% what I am told – I am in no way naïve, but if I want something badly I am blinded to the realities of it, so I need to get some sunglasses for my life and keep my trust in check.
I am changing slowly, and for me, not for dates. But, all the same I am going to dip my toe in the dating world again and see what it holds, if I can be a bit more confident in my body whilst I change it, then I think I’ll be better equipped to deal with the world of dating when I finally fully embrace it.
I’ve also discovered that the likes of Tinder aren’t for me, they’re too superficial and I want to use platforms that offer more than just a decision based on looks. I’ve been using some free dating sites to get my feet back in the dating game and try to be a little more serious about this whole dating malarkey and actually find some friendships. It’s been strange and a little time consuming, having to put actual effort in to what I want and not just swiping for the sake of it, but sites like welovedates.com are making it worth the little bit of extra effort, as the results and people are showing. So, here’s to finding new friends and hopefully more.