DO YOU NEED ANY HELP WITH THAT?
Bitch, unless you are gonna pick the presents, buy them then wrap them in some colourful paper with contrasting but still pretty looking bows I suggest you BACK THE EFF AWAY. I have worked in retail over the festive period, and I know it is hell on earth, but it’s just as bad being a shopper hounded by helpful ‘can I help you with that? Do you need any help? Are you looking for something in particular?’ questions. If I knew what granny Betty wanted for Xmas I wouldn’t be stalking the halls of BHS silently weeping to myself WOULD I?!
OH HAI MARIAH *STABS MARIAH IN THE EYE*
Christmas songs are great, we like to hear them once or twice then we want them to go away for another year – you don’t want to hear Mariah screeching about who she wants to bang this Christmas over and over and over. There seem to be only 15 songs played in UK stores over Christmas, and Mariah seems to be THE one, and it’s not just Mariah and her sexual wants, it’s the people in the store singing along with her. How many times so far this festive season have you wanted to stab Mariah in the eyes with a pine cone?
BOYFRIENDS/HUSBANDS WHAT IS THE POINT?
When you’re in the store and spot her; the woman with her husband, you get seriously annoyed by her, why is she bringing a man and then said man drags his feet along, walks slowly and generally gets in the way of everything – but mostly you. Leave your men at home, otherwise people might be forced to strangle one with the pyjama set for Aunt Ethel that you keep on asking him about whilst he wishes someone would put him out of his misery.
REGIFTING IS ACCEPTABLE, RIGHT?
You’re fed up. You want to be at home in your pyjamas with a hot chocolate, but you know you can’t show up on Christmas day empty handed – it’s just not worth the daggers from your mum. But, hey you could always just give the crap gift sets from last year to people right? Bit of shiny new wrapping paper and contrasting bow and it’s good as new right? RIGHT?
FECK IT, PASS THE GIN
The moment when you lose all hope, abandon your shopping basket in the middle of the aisle, wipe your tears on your Primark scarf and run for the door back to the safety of the internet and gin.